**"The Art of the Day Trade"**
One sunny Tuesday morning, Donald J. Trump decided he’d conquered enough—real estate, reality TV, the presidency—and it was time for the next frontier: **day trading**.
“I understand markets better than anyone,” he told himself in the mirror, adjusting a red tie longer than the Nasdaq ticker.
Armed with a triple espresso and a Twitter account still mysteriously active, he downloaded a trading app called “Stonks4U.” He liked it because the logo was a bald eagle holding a dollar sign.
His first move? Buy 10,000 shares of **ToasterCoin**, a cryptocurrency that claimed to revolutionize breakfast. “Huge potential. Best toast tech. Everyone's talking about it,” he said, ignoring the whitepaper, which was mostly just a recipe for French toast and a picture of Elon Musk in a chef hat.
At 9:45 AM, he saw a Reddit post titled “SELL TOASTERCOIN BEFORE IT BURNS.” He panicked.
“Fake news!” he shouted at the screen. “We’re HOLDING. I invented holding. It’s called 'diamond hands', look it up.”
By 10:15 AM, he’d also bought shares in something called **Quantum Ferret Technologies**, mistaking it for a defense contractor. It was, in fact, a Twitch streamer who reviews cheese.
His portfolio plummeted faster than a lead balloon in a black hole. “It’s all rigged,” he proclaimed, pacing the room. “This is worse than the Emmy voters in 2004!”
Then, at exactly 3:59 PM, one of his holdings—a little-known stock called “Covfefe Energy”—mysteriously surged 900% after he accidentally tweeted “\$CVFE to the moon” instead of “coffee.”
The stock soared. Reddit exploded. Financial reporters were baffled. Trump leaned back in his chair, sipping Diet Coke like a seasoned market guru.
“I call that a **strategic typo**,” he smirked.
By 4:01 PM, he was banned from three trading platforms, but up \$12 million.
“Best trader. Everybody says so,” he whispered proudly, already eyeing up Dogecoin again.
(ALLEGEDLY)
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The information and publications are not meant to be, and do not constitute, financial, investment, trading, or other types of advice or recommendations supplied or endorsed by TradingView. Read more in the Terms of Use.